The Timeline

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes moments seem to last forever and other times, you look back and years have passed without significance. I spent the last chapter of my life happily stagnant, and yet the past 15 months have been intensely opposite. I can only explain by saying that for me, 2008 was a lifetime ago. 2008 started in what seemed like a fairytale beginning; my sister was engaged to be married and I was settling into a happy 5 years with my boyfriend. I never would’ve guessed that in six short weeks, our lives would come undone:

August 30th, 2008 – My boyfriend suddenly asked for a break and my sister moved out of her fiancé’s house.

The month of September was unbearable for both of us. We were left with all of the questioning and anger and desperation that one feels when their relationship hangs in peril. We spoke often about what would happen, if either of us would be happy again, and how we could. I saw her for the last time on September 8th, 2008 when we spent the weekend together in turmoil.

October 1st, 2008 – We met with our significant others on the same night and received the same answer. It was over for both of us. I spent the night on the phone with my sister, as she got drunk and spoke of killing herself. I waited on the phone until our mother went to pick her up.

October 8th, 2008 – I met my boyfriend for one last time to do the ritual exchange of items. It was quick and left me feeling awkward and unsatisfied. At the same time, my sister called her ex to say goodbye and hung herself to end the pain.

Same circumstances, same timeframe. One chose life, the other death. I struggle with this fact regularly and know it will forever haunt me. As I move on with my life, trying to rediscover happiness, she could be doing the same. I want to believe that someone of a healthy mind would never choose death over life, which is why I am positive that with the right help, she could’ve taken a different path. Yet she saw no other option. There are some wounds that time cannot heal and maybe this is what she knew. For her, every pain cut too deep and the scars never healed. She saw the rest of us as calloused by the cruelty we created. And though she tried desperately to see love in the world, it became clouded by every hurt she suffered. I never thought endurance was such a unique quality until it was forced upon me. Looking back at my life and the tragedies I have overcome is daunting. Of course there are days when it seems overwhelming, but for me there is no other choice. Just as my sister’s options felt limited, mine too are confined to one – and I choose to live.

Her inability to create a life has forced me into an impossible life. What might have been optional before is unacceptable, now. It's possible that I would choose the same path regardless, but sometimes I feel that she took away my decision. And maybe that's what I hate the most; feeling that I don't have control over my own destiny anymore because the past has paved the future.