The Timeline

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes moments seem to last forever and other times, you look back and years have passed without significance. I spent the last chapter of my life happily stagnant, and yet the past 15 months have been intensely opposite. I can only explain by saying that for me, 2008 was a lifetime ago. 2008 started in what seemed like a fairytale beginning; my sister was engaged to be married and I was settling into a happy 5 years with my boyfriend. I never would’ve guessed that in six short weeks, our lives would come undone:

August 30th, 2008 – My boyfriend suddenly asked for a break and my sister moved out of her fiancé’s house.

The month of September was unbearable for both of us. We were left with all of the questioning and anger and desperation that one feels when their relationship hangs in peril. We spoke often about what would happen, if either of us would be happy again, and how we could. I saw her for the last time on September 8th, 2008 when we spent the weekend together in turmoil.

October 1st, 2008 – We met with our significant others on the same night and received the same answer. It was over for both of us. I spent the night on the phone with my sister, as she got drunk and spoke of killing herself. I waited on the phone until our mother went to pick her up.

October 8th, 2008 – I met my boyfriend for one last time to do the ritual exchange of items. It was quick and left me feeling awkward and unsatisfied. At the same time, my sister called her ex to say goodbye and hung herself to end the pain.

Same circumstances, same timeframe. One chose life, the other death. I struggle with this fact regularly and know it will forever haunt me. As I move on with my life, trying to rediscover happiness, she could be doing the same. I want to believe that someone of a healthy mind would never choose death over life, which is why I am positive that with the right help, she could’ve taken a different path. Yet she saw no other option. There are some wounds that time cannot heal and maybe this is what she knew. For her, every pain cut too deep and the scars never healed. She saw the rest of us as calloused by the cruelty we created. And though she tried desperately to see love in the world, it became clouded by every hurt she suffered. I never thought endurance was such a unique quality until it was forced upon me. Looking back at my life and the tragedies I have overcome is daunting. Of course there are days when it seems overwhelming, but for me there is no other choice. Just as my sister’s options felt limited, mine too are confined to one – and I choose to live.

Her inability to create a life has forced me into an impossible life. What might have been optional before is unacceptable, now. It's possible that I would choose the same path regardless, but sometimes I feel that she took away my decision. And maybe that's what I hate the most; feeling that I don't have control over my own destiny anymore because the past has paved the future.

FINISH READING

When I was a kid, I used to read nonstop and I would read up to 5 books at a time. Then, in Middle School, I stopped reading altogether. Since, I haven't been able to re-discover the desire. In fact, lately I have developed a bad habit of picking up a book and not finishing it. Once I put a book down, I rarely pick it back up. One book I was even <20 pages from finishing! Here is a summary of the books I have started reading in the past 5 years:

Lord of the Rings - began in 2002, on page 715 (last read 2005)
A Man without a Country - on page 19 (last read 2006)
The Case for a Creator - on page 63 (last read 2007)
A River Runs Through It - on page 44 (last read 2007)
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - FINISHED (Sept 2008)
Getting to 'I Do' - on page 105 (last read Sept 2008)
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - on page 54 (last read 2008)
Sophie's World - began in 1997, FINISHED 2008
Broken Open - on page 240 (last read Jan '09)
The Time Traveler's Wife - on page 337 (last read June '09)
Profiles in Courage - FINISHED (July 2009)
Faust - FINISHED (August 2009)
Boundaries - on page 117 (last read Dec '09)
True Compass - on page 374 (last read 12/29/09)
Eat, Pray, Love - on page 1 (started TODAY)

My New Year's Resolution is to finish some of them.

Summary of Christmas Gifts

Will use the most: diamond studs
Most excited reaction: non-tinted swim goggles
Couldn't hide my disgust: earrings (sorry, mom)
Biggest Nerd Gift: sphere that projects stars on my ceiling (so cool!)
New "Theme" Ornaments: Silver "K", Iron Angel, Yarn Zebra
Wanted but didn't get: Portable DVD player
Almost got, but didn't (and now pissed): Wii and Kings Season tickets (Next time, don't tell me what I missed out on, Mom!)

Why are some days harder than others? Is it because you are close to me today? I wish it weren't so painful and yet, I would bear this pain for you so that you won't have to. I will gladly accept the burden of missing you in exchange for the end of your suffering.

I miss having a sister to do sisterly things with. I regret not spending more time with just you.

Mom says that tears are just our love for you leaking out a bit and I agree. But why does it sometimes seem like a weather patter? Why can I go for months with sunshine, and some days just a mist while others are a downpour?

It's difficult not to feel bitter about everything that has happened this past year. Sometimes I feel like the things that happened screwed up my entire life. I'm no longer set on the path that I was on. And yes, some of that is good because it has woken me up in some good ways. But for instance, losing my job in this economy has made it almost impossible to find another job in the career that I want. I am now forced to look at other career alternatives. People think that now I can figure out what I've always wanted to do... But I was pursuing that with my last career! Changing that feels like walking away from a dream. I can't blame it all on losing my job, I guess in the end they are all intertwined with each other.

So, there are still days when I feel completely lost and left with questions like "Why me?", still times when I'm angry, wishing it all away and begging for an easier life sentence.

Worst Year of my Life

I am coming up on the anniversary of when things started to go wrong in my life. My sister once told me that she knew of someone who engraved a bracelet with a year on it. When asked what the year was, she said it was the worst year of her life and she wears it to remind her that everything since has to be better, because nothing can be worse than that year. I want to do this bracelet. And I thought well, it's more 2008-2009... My year started going awry almost exactly a year ago. But I suddenly got scared. I am hoping that my bad luck is restricted to a year, but what if it continues?

Then I remember there are so many things about this past year that have been good. Things I would never take back. Places I've gone, people I've met, etc. I guess that's what life is. You gotta take the bad with the good and sometimes one outweighs the other.

So, this upcoming anniversary (in a few days) is more of a New Years for me than Jan 1st was. I'm hoping for a healing of the past, and start of a new beginning. I know that's impossible to ask because it's not always so cut and dry, but with a deep breath, I still hope...

Lost in Iceland

In our journey around the Ring Road, we lost many things.

My mother, weighed down by the ring that hung around her neck, chose herself to be the bearer of such a burden. She thought it was her duty, her task to carry this so no one else would have to. She argued with my sister that her ring should be thrown into the waterfall. She insisted that it was not right, not the right time. Somewhere along the journey, it's hard to say when, she lost the ring. It no longer hung from her neck, or weighed in her suitcase. But relief from its loss did not come. Her turmoil lasts.

Did we ever actually lose our way? Not literally, but we lost other things. We were rid of preconceptions about the land, our breath was taken as we gazed at diverse landscapes, sometimes we forgot past transgressions of mother and daughter and got to know each other as adults. We were forced to lay aside fear on especially trying days. I guess you could say we found much more than we lost. Though, the ring remains unfound...

I think the worst pain in life is to have your baby die. It doesn't matter the age. Weeks or decades, I'm sure it breaks the heart permanently. I think I will now fear that most of all if I should ever have a child. Maybe that's natural of being a mother, but I will worry more than others. I never wish to feel the suffering my mother has.

Vacation 2009

Boston, Iceland, Santa Fe!

How to pack for a trip that includes such diverse climates? Well, I had one duffel bag full of shorts and tank tops for Boston that I shipped to Santa Fe, and then a hiking backpack for our two cold weeks in Iceland! It was an awesome trip planned - a few days in Boston (my mom and I had never been there) to ease us into travel mode, then a grueling 10 days on motor scooters around Iceland, followed by a girl's Spa weekend in Santa Fe to relax.

Friday July 10, 2009 & Saturday July 11, 2009
We left on a red-eye to Boston and got there at 8am, Saturday. We went to breakfast, then checked in to our hotel and walked the Freedom Trail. So, we toured all the historical sites (Paul Revere´s house, grave, Bunker Hill, Faneuil Hall, etc.) Apparently the 'Tall Ships' fleet were in town, which is the first time they've been to Boston since the centennial celebration in 1976. We walked to the North End for a great Italian dinner. We love Boston because it is so clean and has parks and great public transportation.

Here is a photo of Boston Common, the beautiful Park in the center of downtown.

Paul Revere's Grave, the honored hero of Boston (Half of the Freedom Trail is about Paul Revere)

Here is the cemetery/resting place of Paul Revere and John Hancock

More old gravestones in another cemetery

One of the "Tall Ships" - The USS Eagle, docked next to the USS Constitution


Sunday July 12, 2009
We went to the JFK Library and loved it. We couldn't understand why so many people who have been to Boston and never been to this museum. It's just outside of Boston, but the subway and a shuttle take you right to it.

We also went to the Contemporary Art Museum, which had an exhibit on Shephard Fairey. Then, we took the subway to the Hancock Tower and Trinity Church, then walked back to our hotel and another Italian dinner in the North End.


Here's our reflection in Hancock Tower.

Monday, July 13, 2009

We shipped our Boston clothes to Santa Fe, and with backpacks, headed to the airport for Reykjavik. We arrived at almost midnight, right as the sun was setting, got to our hotel at 2am and went to sleep.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009
This morning, we walked to Puffin Scooters rental place and then tried to navigate on the Icelandic streets around town. Everything is so much smaller than it seems on the map, so we keep passing the places we want to go.

Here's the Scooter Rental place:

Then up to the 'Pearl Station', which is a big silver dome (water storage facility) atop a hill. There, we saw 360 degree views of the city and the Saga Museum.

We saw a couple of sculpture museums with more sculptures. Here's a photo me at one that had scenic views.

We went to a film about volcanoes, which was pretty boring, then tried to sleep with the light creeping in through the curtains.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Our 2nd day in Reykjavik, we ended up taking the scooters down to Grindavik, where the Blue Lagoon is. We went in the Blue Lagoon, which was amazing, but my hair has been dry and brittle ever since, no matter how many times I put conditioner in it!!! It was our first day dealing with the high winds along the Iceland highways. Little did we know that this wasn't the worst of it.

Here's a couple photos at the Blue Lagoon:

Thursday, July 16, 2009
We checked out of our hotel in Reykjavik, but as we were packing up our scooters, my mom locked her keys in the boot (read: trunk)! We had to wait a couple hours for the scooter person to track down the owner to bring us the key. How embarrassing! But luckily, we were still in Reykjavik, so it wasn't as big of a problem as it could've been if we were halfway across the country. After noon, we headed to Þingvellir, which is the place between the continents. The road there was pretty nice and the lake (Þingvallavatn) is gorgeous.

From there, we traveled up the Ring Road to Borgarnes, along the sea. The water here is so blue, I couldn't stop staring at it!

Friday, July 17, 2009
We had a very long day on the road to Akureyri, in the North. The morning took us through the mountains and it was overcast, so it was bitter cold!! Very painful. But in the afternoon, we rode through the valley and it was sunny and beautiful. We passed so many white farmhouses with red roofs, surrounded by lush green grass, and rocky mountains with waterfalls and bright blue streams. I kept thinking, why isn't this place more popular, but remembered that it's dark and frozen for half the year. I wised up later in my trip and carried my camera on my hand so I could stop for quick pictures on the side of the road, but I really regret not doing so in the North, because it was so beautiful. Suffice to say, it looked similar to the photo above.

We made it to Akureyri and checked into our little guesthouse and walked around town. We thought that we were done with our longest day on the bikes, but everyday we thought that we were on the downhill, we were wrong. Each day was a challenge.

Here's a view from Akureyri:


Saturday, July 18, 2009
The maps showed that some of the road from Akureyri to Egilsstaðir was gravel, but we asked some bikers and the tourist office who confirmed that it was all paved. Phew! It was a still a long journey through desolate lava landscapes, but the mountains in the distance were quite pretty. We thought briefly about heading North for a detour through Husavik, but we found out that road was all gravel, so we decided not to travel there. So, we missed the Icelandic Phallological Museum, but it ended up being for the best because it took all day to get to the East.

Here is Godafoss, the waterfall of the Gods:

We drove around Lake Myvatn, which was not as pretty as I expected and FULL of midges. I guess that's why it's called 'Midges Lake'! There were black clouds of swarms that I had to drive through. My mom´s scooter had a windshield, but mine did not, so they all came straight at my helmet. I shudder thinking about having to spit a few out! As we drove away from the lake, we saw Hverir, which is a geothermic hot spot with mud pots. The ground is scorched and discolored and steam comes up out of the ground. In some places, acidic water bubbles up from the ground in disgusting gray gulps. And the whole place reeked of sulfur.

We continued on across moonscapes and stopped for gas off the Ring Road, along a gravel area to a small rest-stop and cafe in the middle of nowhere.

We made it to Egilsstaðir fairly late, and were very tired from the long day, and again (wrongly) thought that our hardest days were behind us.

Sunday, July 19, 2009
We drove to Hofn along the fjords in the east. I had never seen fjords, and this was some of the prettiest landscape we saw around Iceland. We went around each fjord, hoping for a town in the next, but right when we hoped for gas or food, or any kind of town, suddenly there was nothing. After 4 straight hours of hard driving in very strong winds, I had finally reached my limit and pulled over to give my back a rest and so we could refill our tanks with our emergency gas supply. The hardest part by far was the strong winds that alomost knocked our bikes over several times. At least the views were worth it:

This is hour 3, out of the fjords, so we thought we were home free.

We finally made it to our hotel in Hofn and looked forward to some shorter driving days in the South. By this time, I was getting used to taking hot showers as a relaxation before dinner.

Monday, July 20, 2009
We rode from Hofn to Vik and hoped that there would be less wind. We lucked out and it was indeed a bit less windy, but totally overcast all day, so it was cold and not very pretty.

Here's a glacier from our hotel in Hofn:

We stopped by Jokulsarlon, an iceberg lagoon:

The rest of the drive was pretty boring, past coutless wild horses, sheep, lupin, and waterfalls.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

We left our hotel in Vik and decided to stop at a church on the hill of Vik.

The driveway was uphill and gravel. My mom fell over with her scooter, and it fell on her bad ankle. Vik is known for the basalt sea stacks at the black sand beach, but we didn't go see them close up, because it was down another gravel road.

Luckily there wasn't much driving planned, just 40 km to the next hotel, so we drove to Skogar and relaxed in the small town at the Cultural Museum and Skogafoss. The cultural museum
had examples of Viking huts from the 1800's with grass roofs:

The other end of town had a gorgeous waterfall, Skogafoss. I climbed up the side of the waterfall as my mom soaked her foot in the icy water.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009
We were supposed to drive to the Golden Circle and then our Hotel in Hvergarði, which was a pretty moderate day of driving, but instead we decided just to ride to our hotel take a tour to the Golden Circle, so we wouldn't have to drive on roads that were possibly more bad.
Here's is Gullfoss and the Geyser:

The town we stayed in, Hvergarði, is on a geothermic hot spot and our hotel had some steam vents that had recently arisen after the 6.5 earthquake last year.
Here's some right off our hotel balcony:

Thursday, July 23, 2009

We woke up to rain, but luckily it stopped by the time we had to leave for Reykjavik. The 45 km ride was one of the coldest and windiest. There were again times when I looked in my rear view mirror and thought that my mom or I would fall over from the wind. It was difficult to even stay on the road much less share it with the traffic heading into the city. We finally made it into town and turned in our scooters that we had washed that morning. They didn't make a big deal about my mom's broken mirror, so I guess it was OK. We ate lunch, then took the shuttle back to the airport. On our flight to Boston, the young woman who was sharing our row of seats had a seizure and so we yelled for emergency. The flight attendants knew what to do and put her down on the floor to lay flat. She stopped seizing after a while, but her nose was bleeding and she started turning blue. They sent a passenger to get a doctor from the front of the plane and knew just where he was sitting. When she came to, she was very embarrassed and they took her to the front of the plane. It was quite a scary experience for my mom and me. We arrived in Boston and then made it out to Manchester, so we could be close to the airport for our flight to Albuquerque the next morning.

Friday, July 24, 2009 - Monday July 27, 2009

We flew to Albuquerque and used our friend, Karen's house as a base as we trekked back and forth from the airport with my girl cousins. We had a wonderful dinner at Karen's house and then drove up to Santa Fe. On Saturday, we had our massages and spa treatments, so relaxing, and went into Santa Fe for their Cultural festival both days. Here's a photo of all of us (My cousins Rachel and Chandra, me, my mom, and my aunt Debi). It was relaxing, but definately good to get home on Monday night.

I rear-ended someone the other day. The front of my car is messed up (minor damage) to the point of embarrassing. And I think, how much more can I take? How much can I endure before I simply fall to the ground, defeated? Sometimes I do feel like Job, a test to make sure I can withstand everything. But then I see that I still have my health, my looks, some of my family, and there is growth. I have new friends, and some old. I have a place to stay and eat, so I can't pretend that life is a disaster. It just feels that way sometimes.

I think I understand at least part of the struggle about the anniversary:

I looked at my calendar and was flipping through the months. I realized that October is not that far away. It's been almost a year already. How could it be the better part of a year?!? I feel like I just grasped the concept that it was 6 months ago. How can it be that so much time has passed? We haven't seen her for almost a year? How could we have lived our lives for a full year without her?! It seems impossibly strange. I guess life is what happens in the meantime, like John Lennon's quote

And there it goes.

The 4th and final leg of my table has been kicked out from under me. Pillars of support all crumbled to the ground with mighty blows. First my relationship, then my sister (family), next I was forced to move (housing), and now I am victim to the economical statistics of our time (lost my job). I brace myself for the fall, the massive thud as a granite slab hits the earth. But... I open my eyes and peek out at the world. Could it be? I'm still standing, impossible as it seems. Finish me off, I think. There must not be much left. A weak, beaten arm teetering and struggling to hold me afloat.

Scars

Referencing: http://nvisibility.blogspot.com/2005_08_01_archive.html

Almost 20 years later and the wounds have healed. The bruises have faded, but the scars last. It still hurts to touch. We rebuilt our house so quickly on top of the old foundations. What was the purpose of re-constructing our lives with such urgency? It only covered our wounds with a giant band-aid that everyone sees from the street. At the core of our home, you can still see the tattered, scorched cement disappearing deep into the ground. Everyone has scars. Some are just more visible than others.

I just discovered the beauty of Voice Notes. I've known that you can dictate oral notes to yourself, but never really had a desire to do so until recently when I've been writing things in my head while driving. Not wanting to pull over, I decided instead to download a Voice Notes App for my phone. And Viola! Here is my ramble (I wish you could hear the car noises and turn signal in the background):

There are moments in life that may not be the most poignant, but end up sticking in your memory. For instance, I can remember recording tapes from CD's when I was getting ready for a long road trip. I remember making eclairs from scratch the day before that trip and packing some in the car. Looking back, it seems like those were the moments when my life was just beginning. It wasn't necessary a significant moment, in fact the trip was much more noteworthy. But those memories of preparation in the days leading up to that trip now feels like I was getting ready for my life to begin. That's what it reminds me of - the start of what my life has become.

Sometimes you look at your life and think, "How did I get here? How did all these moments lead to where I am now?" This isn't what I thought it was going to look like. In some ways, it can be more than you expected, but also so much different. And it's not necessarily that you are stuck or trapped. Those are just the cards you're dealt. That's the definition of life! So, how can you complain? Maybe it's just harder for me because I tend to put so much expectation on my vision of the future and how I expect or want things to look. But don't we all have dreams that we thought were going to come true?

No, I guess the definition of life is how you roll with the punches, how you react to the cards in your hand and how you play them out. Maybe some people are better at poker faces, at 'playing the game'. Some know how to fool people a little bit better. That's what life is - reaction. How you react when things didn't turn out the way you thought, how you react to the good and the bad. Those reactions mold you into who you become. Emotion is natural. To be nonreactive is not humanistic. The goal is give the appropriate reaction for each incident.

The Last Time

The last time I saw my sister, we were sitting in the Dallas Luv Field Airport. I had gone with my mom and sister on a spur of the moment trip to Texas to see our Grandparents. I remember driving to Tyler in the rental car, reading aloud from my book about differences in human brains. We talked at length with our mom about our recent broken hearts and the undetermined future of our relationships. My sister was in her usual foul mood, sleeping in the back, forcing us to stop the car while she smoked for unknown lengths of time. It was in Texas that she decided to request a change in her medication and decided to visit the Amen Clinic a 2nd time. She hugged our grandparents goodbye and asked them to pray for her. In the airport, waiting for my flight, she slept across the benches. I wanted to wake her up. The thought ran through my head, “But this is the last time I’m going to see you for a long time!” Instead, I let her sleep, knowing she was tired and feeling sick. We gave a lack-luster hug goodbye and I boarded my plane.

One month later, I had my last phone call with her. She and I had both received confirmation that our relationships were over and she had decided to commemorate with lots of alcohol. I spoke with her early in the night as she took shot after shot. I knew better than to reprimand her for exceeding her limit. The phone was disconnected, so she called back and left a message with the land-line number. She was already stumbling over her words. Over the course of the next hour, she left another message, a slurred cursing of my ex. I called her back and she had quickly gotten to the point of obliteration. She was laying on the floor of her friend’s bathroom, throwing out mindless threats to end her life. I didn’t take them seriously. I thought she would sober up and realize that was not a realistic solution. I heard my mom arrive in the background and scrape her off the floor to drive her home. I spoke briefly with my mom before hanging up the phone, confident that she was in good hands. I saved the voicemail messages, thinking that I would play them back to her one day and we would laugh it off. The next week, my mom asked me to call my sister because she was worried. I refused. I was on my way to swimming, so I didn’t have time for a long, dramatic conversation that went in circles with me trying to convince her that her life was worthwhile. She died 24 hours later.

I’m not sure that I regret the circumstances in which I last saw/spoke with her. It wouldn’t have changed what happened. I guess it just seems weird that meaningless moments suddenly have significance as they are replayed on loop in your mind. Do I remember the 2nd to last time I saw her or 3rd to last? Nope. Like acid, it stings upon impact as it becomes etched into memory.

You think if they died, the world would stop. But it doesn't stop and that's the agony. Your personal world stops while the rest of the world charges forward, dragging you with it. There is no choice, only to pick up your feet and soldier on. Survival takes over. Does it mean because we can go on that the pain isn't there? The pain is always lurking in the shadows, waiting for an inopportune time to remind you that life will never be the same.

My aunt had a good analogy - people, especially family members, are woven into a cloth of your life. Sometimes you don't realize that they are part of the same fabric until part of that material is ripped away. The tear isn't clean. As the fibers rip from one another violently, it creates a painful frayed edge. Each torn strand dangling helplessly, yearning to be sewn together again.

Grief

I know what my mom means when she says, "My grief is immense." It is all encompassing. To be able to put it in words seems trite. How do you explain the loneliness and despair that you are left with? And that's just it, an abandonment from the world, where you are left in a dark room with inner demons. Most people understand grief as losing something or missing someone, but this is only the beginning of the ocean that grief opens up. How can anyone understand the millions of emotions that swing through this word "grief"? It's not just one feeling; it's stress and disappointment, loneliness and anger, hatred, hopelessness, depression and exhaustion. It's a surrender and a fight all at once.

It's also not about one person, one thing, one incident. Perhaps this is why people say 'grieving' more than just 'grief'. Because it is an ongoing emotion, a continuous movement through. Mine is grieving the loss of myself as much as anything. I have no doubt that I am partway through the toughest year/s of my life. I know that my future will be better. But from that optimistic perspective, I can look back and see how much pain it is now. My resiliency is bittersweet - a blessing and a burden. I am sentenced to work hard at living and I grieve for the loss of time that my life will be dedicated to this. I grieve the fact that my circumstances seem colossally greater than most (though, this is an inherent trait of everyone's grief). The inner battle becomes amplified because it is between old aches and new stings of sadness.

A stranger told me today (without knowing anything about me) that the toughest trials are given to those that are strongest. I know this is true. Each of us is brought to the brink of our individual capacity for trauma. We are given only we can handle, which seems like an excessive amount. Grief humbles our strength, and yet through the agony, strength endures.

Inauguration

Sunday January 18, 2009
We were already in New Jersey from the Bat Mitzvah, so we drove to Philadelphia to see my cousins for the night. Since we had an extra ticket to the ball, my cousin decided to come with us. So she quickly dug up a dress from her mom's closet and packed a bag! We were supposed to stay in Baltimore, but ended up lucking out to get a room at the place our friends were staying, just outside of DC.

Monday January 19, 2009
We drove to Washington DC, checked into our hotel, and then headed to the Subway to pick up our tickets. My dad and I went to the Barbara Lee reception (Barbara Lee is the Congressional Representative for the East Bay Area of California, and the only one to vote against the war just after Sept 11). My mom and cousin went to go pick up the tickets and met us afterward. My dad and I waited in line to enter the building, and then waited in another line to get into the reception. Obviously, her party was pretty popular. Inside I saw my old high school P.E. teacher and counselor! I was surprised they remembered me actually.. Anyway, the party was too crowded and we didn't know anyone else there, so we left. We met my mom and cousin, then headed on the subway to meet a friend with more tickets and my parent's friend's son (with ball tickets). Rachel, my cousin, snapped this picture in one of the porto-potties next to the Capitol:

We were able to meet them both at the same subway stop, chatted a little, etc. Too bad neither of these two single guys are my age - I need someone in between! Ah well. We headed back to the hotel for drinks with my parent's friends, then off to bed!

Tuesday January 20, 2009 - Inauguration Day!
I tossed and turned, excited for the day, and finally got up at 5am. The plan was to get up at 5:30 and leave the hotel by 6am, but my mom called me at 5:20 and said that everyone was ready to go. So, I rushed to finish getting ready, and left for the lobby. We ended up getting on the shuttle at the originally planned time of 6am, so it worked out. We got to the metro station and because we were one of the first stops on the line, the train was fairly empty when we boarded. But in the next two stops, it filled to capacity. We had to tell people not to board because the doors wouldn't shut. As we got closer to the city, the train kept stopping midway through the tunnel because there were other trains at the station. The train in front of us had a sick passenger that delayed ours for 20 minutes! They told us that we would have to reverse the train, go all the way back out, and come back on a different line. But instead, we waited another 10 minutes and then were able to move forward. What should've been a 20 minute ride took an hour and a half!! They told us that the main metro station by the gates was closed because of traffic, but when we pulled into the station, they opened the doors and said it had just opened, and for all of us to get out! We raced through the empty station with no line and weren't even charged to get through the ticket turnstiles!

When we got up to the street level, we followed signs to our gate, then realized that we were passing our line. We followed the line down 2 blocks, around the corner and down another block, then snaked all around to the point of indecypherability. We joined the end of the line and waited for the gates to open at 8am. When they did, our single-file line became a mob. With no enforcement of the line, we were unsure what was happening. Then, we saw a bunch of people rush across the building's plaza to cut across the block. We looked at the people around us and paused for a moment - do we stay here and possibly not make it inside the gate before 11:30, or do we go for it with the rest of these people? We ran. 1/2 a block away from the gate, we turned into a mob, crunched with people, more than a block wide. We moved 1 step per minute, crushed against the people next to us. Here is a photo from my camera phone:


We finally got to security and I was pretty surprised how lenient they were. We only had to hold our ticket up (they did not inspect them), and when we got to the metal detectors, we unbuttoned our jackets, took things out of our pockets, and walked through. There were no X-Ray machines, just a guy looking at cameras and wallets, etc. And the metal detector beeped at me (I later learned that hand warmers set off the detectors). I got scared and walked back through, like I would do at an airport, but the guard told me I was fine, so beeping through, again, I walked out. Was it because I was blonde?! How's that for racial profiling. My dad held up the line forgetting about his cellphone and I was embarrassed. We got in just before 10am, I think, and walked to our section. We tried to find a place for short people to see, but it was a little hard with so many tall people standing in front of us! We backed up a bit and got a better view. Here is a photo taken from my cell phone:

And two of me in front of the Capitol. I didn't aim the first shot correctly:

Much better (I was bored at this point):

Anyway, so we learned that you can only take so many of the Capitol, standing in the same spot... By the time the ceremony started, my feet were aching and my back was stiff from the cold. We couldn't see much of the jumbo screens, but I could tell when the motorcade, Obama or his family was on, because the crowd went nuts! They started annoucing the past presidents. Carter got cheers, Clinton got tremendous applause, and (they muted this on TV) G.W. Bush got booed, loudly. I saw people shake their shoes, and even one guy toss his shoe into the crowd! It was pretty awful. The guy next to me started singing, "Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goooodbyye..." By the 2nd line everyone around us was singing, and by the 2nd verse, the entire crowd was singing. We petered out, but heard echoes of it going all the way down the National Mall! Anyway, we could hear Biden's oath very clearly, but when it came time for Barack, I was so disappointed that I could barely hear anything. We didn't even know when it was over, but we cheered anyway. I watched it later to see his stumble. The 21-Gun salute scared everyone around and it took a few booms before we realized they were not fireworks. His speech was great, and then as soon as it was over, we started heading for the exit. I knew that we needed to get to the front of the subway line. But, they didn't open the gates back up until after the ceremony was totally over. I sang the National Anthem with the other 1.8 million people. When we finally did get out, we headed for the subway further away. We saw Bush's helicopter go overhead. There was a line wrapped around the block for it, unmoving. So, despite our bodies, we trudged on to the next metro station another several blocks. But this would preempt the rail-line and ensure us a spot. It worked and we got right on a train and sat into the seat. We napped until our stop on the other side of town and got back to our hotel just as the Inaugural Luncheon was ending.

We got ready for the balls while watching the parade on TV and wondered when Barack and Michelle were going to have time to change! We took a taxi to the ball, but here are some photos in the hotel lobby. Here is my cousin Rachel and Me:

My mom and dad:

On the way, our taxi stopped at a light (I think this was my favorite part of the trip, because it was the least expected!), and suddenly tons of police motorcycles drive by. "Do you think this is the motorcade?" I joked.. And sure enough, then Obama's strech Cadillac drove by! I cheered and screamed in the taxi and my mom reminded me that no one could hear me, but I didn't care!
The taxi wasn't able to get near the Convention Center, so we had them drop us off and walked in. Unfortunately, we were on the wrong side of the building, so we had to walk around the block, in freezing cold and my shoes were already hurting!

More blah security to get in, and then inside the Western Ball we saw this:


Here is an idea of how big the whole thing was, and this is only 1/3 of it:
At the other end, was a giant stage with a golden archway:
We walked around, got some drinks, and then headed toward the stage, because space was filling up fast. Obama must be coming by soon, we thought! Here's a photo of me, my dad, my mom, and Rachel.

And here's one of my mom, our friend Karen, and me

We waited, and waited, and waited. Things constantly gave us hope, increase of Secret Service, movement of flags on stage, change of lighting, etc. Finally the band came out and then our main concert - Marc Anthony! After being on me feet for 20 hours already, I was crashing fast. I even sat down because I was so bored with the Latin singer. His wife, J. Lo, came out and sang a duet with him, then the music stopped. And we waited some more... We kept hearing from people around us that Obama had just left such and such a ball, so we kept hoping he was on his way.

Finally, Joe Biden and Jill Biden came out. Joe made a lackluster speech about the crowd earlier in the day, and then they did their dance.

We waited another 20-30 minutes, and FINALLY, around midnight, Obama came out with Michelle. I was so happy to see her in white. It seemed very appropriate since the whole thing felt like America's wedding. I fought on my tip-toes for camera time. Here's a couple shots of their inaugural dance:



Getting home was the hard part. We stuck around and used up our drink tickets, then headed to the coat check, leaving as our ball was ending, at 1am. We went out to the street (at this point I could barely walk), and tried to hail a taxi. Every taxi was full and no one stopped for us. Those that did stop found out we were going out past city limits and refused to take our business. We walked to a Hotel and stood with others in the lobby. Everyone seemed to be having the same problem. We tried to decide what to do, but by this time the wind was picking up and it was bitter cold outside! At 1:30am, we decided to try to walk to the metro (5 blocks away) and catch a subway, and make 2 transfers all before they stopped running at 2am. It seemed impossible and I was getting scared. Just as we started walking in the direction of the metro, a van pulled up and my cousin hailed him, promised him money to take us to our hotel. Other couples piled in, whose stops were on the way. He charged everyone a pretty nice sum and made off pretty big from all of us, but we were all just happy not to be stranded!

Wednesday January 21, 2009
We woke up, ate breakfast and packed up. I emptied my purse from the ball and quickly realized that I had lost my camera's memory stick with all of the ceremony photos. (This is why all of the photos from the ceremony were taken with my camera, and why I have much more from the Ball)! I was pretty angry, but knew it was gone for good. We drove back to Philadelphia, met my aunt for lunch near the airport and caught a long flight back to California. End.

Final Note
I think Jan 20th was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Just to endure the amount of standing and cold, etc. Was it worth it? Hell yes. Would I ever do it again? Probably not in this lifetime. So, I'm glad that I did it for My President, My BO.