Grief

I know what my mom means when she says, "My grief is immense." It is all encompassing. To be able to put it in words seems trite. How do you explain the loneliness and despair that you are left with? And that's just it, an abandonment from the world, where you are left in a dark room with inner demons. Most people understand grief as losing something or missing someone, but this is only the beginning of the ocean that grief opens up. How can anyone understand the millions of emotions that swing through this word "grief"? It's not just one feeling; it's stress and disappointment, loneliness and anger, hatred, hopelessness, depression and exhaustion. It's a surrender and a fight all at once.

It's also not about one person, one thing, one incident. Perhaps this is why people say 'grieving' more than just 'grief'. Because it is an ongoing emotion, a continuous movement through. Mine is grieving the loss of myself as much as anything. I have no doubt that I am partway through the toughest year/s of my life. I know that my future will be better. But from that optimistic perspective, I can look back and see how much pain it is now. My resiliency is bittersweet - a blessing and a burden. I am sentenced to work hard at living and I grieve for the loss of time that my life will be dedicated to this. I grieve the fact that my circumstances seem colossally greater than most (though, this is an inherent trait of everyone's grief). The inner battle becomes amplified because it is between old aches and new stings of sadness.

A stranger told me today (without knowing anything about me) that the toughest trials are given to those that are strongest. I know this is true. Each of us is brought to the brink of our individual capacity for trauma. We are given only we can handle, which seems like an excessive amount. Grief humbles our strength, and yet through the agony, strength endures.