Bipolar Disorder

There is so much the world that does not know about Bipolar disorder, and so many people that quietly live with/near it. I am amazed at how many people it affects and yet, there is still no solution or miracle!

It seems that even the large amounts of research my mom did were not enough to find ways to help Ginny. The nature of the disorder comes with so many doubts about the extent of one's suffering. Denial moves in quickly when the person appears to be back on track ("Maybe she's OK now," you hope). I think it is difficult for "sane" people to understand. Most of us have the hope gene; we want to believe it's not that bad. We cannot understand feelings of loneliness and hopelessness so strong that they overpower every thought and every minute of your day, for years at a time. With the inability to comprehend her suffering, and the doubts that fed our hope, it was impossible to see how sweeping the effects were for everyone, not just herself.

Growing up in my sister's shadow, it literally shaped my attitudes. I saw what not to do, how explosive reactions and constant dramatics were punished with negative consequences. Over the years, during my home life, I turned inward and focused on not reacting at all (a very hard thing to suppress for an extrovert like me). I felt dimmed in the family setting because of the amount of energy it took to be around my sister and her disorder. It is a rude awakening for me to realize how easy it has become to be a rock and I am currently working through these issues.

I cannot rationalize the reasons for my sister's angst, or what went through her head on the evening of the 8th. Ultimately, it does not matter - there is no "why". Calculated moves were not in her vocabulary and there is no equation for her suffering. That is the problem with bipolar disorder. Each iteration seems to be unique and every solution (if there is one) is just as hard to find. It is ironic that many of the tools needed to search for cures are the very traits bipolar people lack: acceptance, motivation, patience, commitment, faith, and self-esteem. For this reason, it is crucial that the individual's support system (family, lovers, friends) educate themselves on the symptoms of the disorder. Disillusionment is the enemy that we continuously fought as their mind convinces them that truth is a grim reality. I can only hope that other's struggles can be more successful than Ginny's.

My world has been turned upside down. One year ago, life was perfect. I loved where I lived, my job, my steady boyfriend, etc. For the first time in my life, I was completely independent, supporting myself. It felt good to be on my own and not just surviving, but thriving!!

At the beginning of this month, in one short week, my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me and my sister committed suicide. I did not lose all of my reason for happiness, but those two blows were enough to make me feel lost, like I am suddenly left without a compass.

Six years ago, I was a senior in high school and had not yet been accepted to college. I did not know where I would be in the fall, and I was scared of the unknown. I don’t even know how I came to it, but I decided to journey to the Grand Canyon, hike and camp alone for two nights. It was, of course, a life-changing experience.

I feel the same need for this now: a journey of epic proportions, a life-changing quest to search for the path, to look at my compass and find direction. I have not figured out what this epic journey will be, but here are some romantic possibilities:
- Motor-cycle across the country
- Travel to Paris and learn how to love
- Trek to Tibet and study Buddhism
- Move to Australia for a year

As I sink back to reality this week, I am unsure how feasible these things are. I know that it doesn’t really matter, because this is bigger than some job, but at the same time, I have grown accustomed to my quality of life. I hope I decide soon, because I feel like a ship without a bearing.