Ode to Mama

My mom is a sucker for those infomercials, specifically, the FoodSaver. You know, the one that sucks the air out of bags and jars to lock-in the freshness with a seal? After she bought one, she went crazy and most foods in our house became shrink-wrapped and suffocated in little bags. She tried to take the air out of steak, which only resulted in the flavorful juices spilling all over the machine and counter. (She called it "marinating") She has also mastered taking the fluffy rise out of bread and the air out of pancake mix (What air in pancake mix?) This was two years ago. When it broke, she wasted her money on a new one! When that one broke, she had ME call the hotline to complain and ask if it was still under warrenty. So, today, I sat there explaining to the girl that sounds like her other job is at a tanning salon in Texas that the piece of crap "just keeps sucking and sucking and sucking, but never seals the deal." (Where's Dr. Drew when I need him?) Anyway, I'm thinking about all this in Safeway today, when it hits me: My mom spends so much time at work that she has become oblivious to the real world much less how to funtion in it. She's of those women that you wish wouldn't shop at Safeway because they don't know the rules of shopping cart ettiqutte. She leans heavily on the cart and pushes her butt out to take up as much room when driving it up and down each aisle, then stops abruptly, gives her cart a quarter turn so it blocks the entire aisleway and proceeds to search for the specific kind of gourmet dog food. She darts in front of you, without apologies to cut off the little kid so that she can sit there to pick flavors like Banana Berry Blast from the "Go-gurt" pile. She doesn't notice the father's dirty look. Meanwhile, I try to disappear next to the frozen cheesecake and apologize to the strangers that squeeze by the cart and stare at them desperately with a look that says: "Are You My Mother?" (maybe it says: "Why aren't you my mother?!") She asks me loudly in the "Feminine Products" section where the gloves are. I look at her with confusion and embarrassment and say dryly, "I don't think you'll find them in with the pads. Try the next aisle with the pregnancy tests!" I found relief until she announces astonished in the checkout line, "Wow, they're finally engaged!" I look up to see where she gets her news. She's reading from a tabloid! I just pray that the cool Cal students don't notice me and my mother. Now, my dad and she (and the rest of the midwest) are eating up what Dr. Phil tells them as they try to apply his morals to their own lives. And, I will retreat back to what I did when I lived with them before college. I'll become the silent, depressed one that can only escape into the world of Hogwarts and Middle Earth. I still love her despite the nagging, and rudeness and naiveté.
Dear God, Make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away.

Foot Fetishes

My mom went to go get a manicure and pedicure and convinced my sister, my cousin, and I to get them as well. Nail polish colors can say a lot about a person. My mom chose this orangey iridescent rusty red color. My sister went with dark red for the toes, then didn't like it, so chose a silver for the fingers. I got an iridescent pale pink (one that almost looks like I am not even wearing any nailpolish) called Las Vegas Strip Poker. My cousin got bright, neon green and black tips. She only got a manicure because she has "feet issues" and doesn't want anyone touching her feet. I almost feel the same way; I usually don't like people near my feet, but somehow I got convinced into it (you know me). I forgot about two things regarding my feet: 1. Because of a prior incident regarding Matrix wannabe's and a door, my right foot is still bruised and sore when touched and 2. My feet are extraordinarily ticklish!! So, The poor woman was being very gentle as I fought the urge to laugh out loud and stop my muscle reflexes from jerking my foot away from her smooth hands...

The Famdamn-ily

First, there's Marie, my aunt, my mom's sister. She's with my mom at a family reunion in Illinois right now. Some things about my family and their dumb reunions. My family, all looks alike, they are all bible-thumping lunatics. No joke. Craziness runs in the family, as well as believing everything the bible says. Good thing I have more sense (I think). My mom's uncle (my great-uncle) even has a cult in Colorado. Well, it's not a cult. It's one of those like hippie communs or that's just a front or something. Who knows...
And then there's Grace, my 13 year old cousin (Marie's daughter). She has changed a lot in 6 months, since I've last seen her. In January, she still looked like a kid. Today, she looks like a woman, well, with the exception of the braces and the 2 inch black eyeliner above and below each eye. Nothing else has changed, tho. She is still my shadow and follows me wherever I go. It's quite annoying. I've gotten her hooked to Myst (my fav. computer game at her age), but she doesn't like it as well as I did, and she makes me sit there and give her hints for it every 5 minutes! She's almost finished it. I don't know what I'll have her do when this is over. sigh She called. I have to go help her again. =( Now she's talking to me from the other room. Whatever. Everyday, she askes, "What are we doing today?" I'm like I dunno. I'm going to a movie, I don't know what you're doing! Haha kidding. She's 13 - too young to party. Plus, her mom said "No alcohol, no drugs, NO BOYS." So, that kinda kills all the fun.. Hehe kidding. I'm supposed to find a job, so I can't entertain her all day everyday. I told my mom this. Apparently, she's been grounded at home for a while from computer, TV, and phone, so she should be happy to have those privaledges. That doesn't help the fact that she's still leeching onto me.

WeeDoo VooDoo on WhooDoo?

Boredom can take you many places, especially when the only thing in your room is a Voodoo kit. We opened it and quickly decided on a victim. Now for the lock of hair... One of us distracted her, while I snipped some hair with mini scissors. Back in my room, we taped the hair down and started poking the little green doll. Die, Die, Die (ok, so we didn't really say that part, but you get the idea). No screams. Apparently it didn't work. In less than 10 min, we realized we had chosen the wrong target for our curses. Oh well. There's always next time. For now, the pin-pricked doll is hanging by it's neck from my bike rack! =)

Boyz

Boys are dumb. They will fall for anything. Another guy posed naked before my dinky disposable camera. All it takes is a little persistance and persuasion. Amazing what you can get people to do without even doing or promising anything. Another to add to the collection. He shoulda known not to pose. His friend got tricked into it in the beginning of the year. He told me all this shit like he wanted to feel special 'cuz he doesn't show just anyone! *rolls eyes* Somehow I convinced him that he owed me or something and told him all these bullshit compliments. He asked me not to run away and giggle. And I didn’t…..until I was out of the door! Haha.

"Matrix Style"

Enough playing around with Dan. From now on, no more running and fighting and "flirting" (hehe j/k). I hid his glasses in my bra (sorry Dan, forgot to tell you that part. hehe), until I got to my room and then put them with his jacket, then ran to hide my keys in Christine's closet. I was going to go back out in the hall, but the door came flying open, only to be stopped by my fragile foot. I fell to the ground clasping my foot as Christine huddled over me. I heard Dan's heavy footsteps run up as well. I decided to walk it off, so I left and headed to the lounge, but people suggested I go to the shower, so I did. I saw Dan trying impossibly to make himself blend in with the wall on the way. The water ran red with blood, then I decided to put my foot in the sink, which was actually more uncomfortable than the shower, but that way more people could crowd around me, I guess. I'm proud of myself that I didn't cry at all! =) We woke up Jenni from downstairs and she took care of it all. I remember Kelly and Jennie (from upstairs) running around with big, bug-eyes all panicked. I thought for a while that it was broken, but then I realized I could bend it. Haha. Dan didn't appear in the bathroom, even tho his cool friend did. Sarah said I shoulda made Dan carry me around. Damn, why didn't I think of that! =( So, I hobbled around doing laundry for the rest of the night and put ice on it until around 4:30. Thank goodness I did, 'cuz today, it feels just like new! Like a brand new greenish-blue toe! =D