Where is Santa Claus? I wish there was someone to make it all better. To live out my dreams, and supply the fantastical experiences. I'm sorry that there is no Spirit of Christmas Future to show you the correctness of what is. Instead we are doomed to a mystery of what could be, what might be true if we dare to dream. Most of us live in the lies of what dim reality exists before us. We depress into the present and realize the scarcity of hope and happiness. It's a dream we want for all, yet few become attached to the actuality of succeeding. Most just dole out kindness in a mundane sort-of numbness. Quantity versus Quality is easier for us to dish out. Instead of care, we become innate humans that are incapable of reactionary ideals. A shock takes over as we dishearten ourselves from the facts and presume that easier times will prevail.

A Wholely Religious Experience

I decided to go to church with my roommate and her mom this morning. They described the Unity Church as very universal, and not focused on any particular doctrine. It sounded right up my liberal alley. Since we both had errands to do afterwards, we decided to drive separately, but stopped at Starbucks on the way. The line was horrendous, which made us a little late, but she reassured me that they never start on time. My drink was ready first, so I told her that I would see her at the Chruch! Then, I popped the address into my GPS and it calculated my route - just as she had described it, take the 405 and get off on Crenshaw! I turned on the street, full of industrial warehouses, and the GPS announced that I had arrived at my destination. I looked around, but did NOT see a church. I drove 50 more feet, and then saw it: A BIG sign that said Integrity Christian Center. This must be it, I thought. So, I turned into the parking lot and followed signs to the entrance. I was late, and they were already singing, so I waited with the group outside. The woman looked at me, looked at my coffee, looked at me. I smiled. She looked at me, looked at my coffee, and looked at me again! Then she told me that I could go in and didn't have to wait (only the children had to wait).

So, I walked in and the ushers guided me to a seat to the side of the altar. They were singing, and then the pastor called people up to the altar who needed to be healed. I immediately knew this place was NOT where I was supposed to be. With Holy Water, he touched their heads and they were healed with the spirit of God. Oh no, I thought, this is like my grandparent's church. This can't be right! But I decided to wait 5-10 more minutes just in case my roommate did show up. The pastor talked about je-SUSSS and the Holy Ghost. I had to greet people around me with "I'm soo glad that Jesus is here." Everyone was seated, taking notes on his sermon, so I couldn't leave. Another 10 minutes went by and no roommate. The pastor announced that the children were going to sing some Christmas songs, and in they marched, straight to my section and shuffled to sit in the two rows before me. All eyes (and video cameras!) were on ME! I couldn't leave now. But as the second set of kids walked in and up to the stage, I took the opportunity, grabbed my coffee, and left before they started speaking in tongues.

Once outside, I looked for the address - 2535. I got into the car and read the directions - 2425. Oh geez! I drove down the street further (2 blocks PAST where my GPS had told me) and it was then that I saw the small sign that just said: Unity. This was it. But now, I was 30 minutes late, I couldn't bear to walk in late to yet another church where people were judging my caffeine intake. I went home, feeling embarrassed and tortured.

Sometimes I feel like I am paying for such a great year in 2007. I had a great boyfriend, moving up and up in my job, living in a great place, wonderful vacation, etc. Now, it just feels like it can't get any worse. Starting summer '08, I moved housing, job got more difficult and less fun (in part because the economy), I lost the rock that held me together (my boyfriend), and my sister died. Still trying to cope with those obstacles and barely having settled into my new place (last address change effective this month), I was told that I need to move by Feb 1st. I am now wishing I hadn't donated all of my furniture in my exes storage unit 3 short weeks ago. Just when I feel like I might have a handle on things, a wrench is thrown in the middle.

I guess all of these things are normal life experiences. I just wish I didn't have to deal with them all at once! When does life get easier?!?

But, hey, I've still got my health... (sarcasm)

Birthday Blues

I've never felt more pressure to stay alive. My mom tells me rightly, "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you right now." What is usually automatic for survival has become a conscious effort: be careful, drive slower, hug/kiss goodbye, and other such duties to continue to live a full life. I feel the weights of balancing work and a social life, while trying to stay in touch with myself, family, etc. And at the same time, all I want to do is stop, hibernate from the onward progression.

I turned 25 this past weekend. Most people seem to have a mental block against my actual birth date. Usually, friends can't seem to remember if it's the 27th or 28th, both wrong! I guess the day doesn't matter so much anymore. It is no longer devoted to you. People rush to bombard you with a quick birthday greeting, then return to their concerns. When thanksgiving is in the same week, my birthday gets lost in the long weekend. My coworkers didn't even sign a card for me. It wasn't any different than the day before. I've felt 25 for the past several months, so it feels a little anticlimactic. I guess that's just part of being an adult, getting used to disappointment and expectations that don't sync with reality. This definitely isn't where I thought I'd be at 25... But no one anticipates grief.