I just discovered the beauty of Voice Notes. I've known that you can dictate oral notes to yourself, but never really had a desire to do so until recently when I've been writing things in my head while driving. Not wanting to pull over, I decided instead to download a Voice Notes App for my phone. And Viola! Here is my ramble (I wish you could hear the car noises and turn signal in the background):

There are moments in life that may not be the most poignant, but end up sticking in your memory. For instance, I can remember recording tapes from CD's when I was getting ready for a long road trip. I remember making eclairs from scratch the day before that trip and packing some in the car. Looking back, it seems like those were the moments when my life was just beginning. It wasn't necessary a significant moment, in fact the trip was much more noteworthy. But those memories of preparation in the days leading up to that trip now feels like I was getting ready for my life to begin. That's what it reminds me of - the start of what my life has become.

Sometimes you look at your life and think, "How did I get here? How did all these moments lead to where I am now?" This isn't what I thought it was going to look like. In some ways, it can be more than you expected, but also so much different. And it's not necessarily that you are stuck or trapped. Those are just the cards you're dealt. That's the definition of life! So, how can you complain? Maybe it's just harder for me because I tend to put so much expectation on my vision of the future and how I expect or want things to look. But don't we all have dreams that we thought were going to come true?

No, I guess the definition of life is how you roll with the punches, how you react to the cards in your hand and how you play them out. Maybe some people are better at poker faces, at 'playing the game'. Some know how to fool people a little bit better. That's what life is - reaction. How you react when things didn't turn out the way you thought, how you react to the good and the bad. Those reactions mold you into who you become. Emotion is natural. To be nonreactive is not humanistic. The goal is give the appropriate reaction for each incident.

The Last Time

The last time I saw my sister, we were sitting in the Dallas Luv Field Airport. I had gone with my mom and sister on a spur of the moment trip to Texas to see our Grandparents. I remember driving to Tyler in the rental car, reading aloud from my book about differences in human brains. We talked at length with our mom about our recent broken hearts and the undetermined future of our relationships. My sister was in her usual foul mood, sleeping in the back, forcing us to stop the car while she smoked for unknown lengths of time. It was in Texas that she decided to request a change in her medication and decided to visit the Amen Clinic a 2nd time. She hugged our grandparents goodbye and asked them to pray for her. In the airport, waiting for my flight, she slept across the benches. I wanted to wake her up. The thought ran through my head, “But this is the last time I’m going to see you for a long time!” Instead, I let her sleep, knowing she was tired and feeling sick. We gave a lack-luster hug goodbye and I boarded my plane.

One month later, I had my last phone call with her. She and I had both received confirmation that our relationships were over and she had decided to commemorate with lots of alcohol. I spoke with her early in the night as she took shot after shot. I knew better than to reprimand her for exceeding her limit. The phone was disconnected, so she called back and left a message with the land-line number. She was already stumbling over her words. Over the course of the next hour, she left another message, a slurred cursing of my ex. I called her back and she had quickly gotten to the point of obliteration. She was laying on the floor of her friend’s bathroom, throwing out mindless threats to end her life. I didn’t take them seriously. I thought she would sober up and realize that was not a realistic solution. I heard my mom arrive in the background and scrape her off the floor to drive her home. I spoke briefly with my mom before hanging up the phone, confident that she was in good hands. I saved the voicemail messages, thinking that I would play them back to her one day and we would laugh it off. The next week, my mom asked me to call my sister because she was worried. I refused. I was on my way to swimming, so I didn’t have time for a long, dramatic conversation that went in circles with me trying to convince her that her life was worthwhile. She died 24 hours later.

I’m not sure that I regret the circumstances in which I last saw/spoke with her. It wouldn’t have changed what happened. I guess it just seems weird that meaningless moments suddenly have significance as they are replayed on loop in your mind. Do I remember the 2nd to last time I saw her or 3rd to last? Nope. Like acid, it stings upon impact as it becomes etched into memory.