Bipolar Disorder

There is so much the world that does not know about Bipolar disorder, and so many people that quietly live with/near it. I am amazed at how many people it affects and yet, there is still no solution or miracle!

It seems that even the large amounts of research my mom did were not enough to find ways to help Ginny. The nature of the disorder comes with so many doubts about the extent of one's suffering. Denial moves in quickly when the person appears to be back on track ("Maybe she's OK now," you hope). I think it is difficult for "sane" people to understand. Most of us have the hope gene; we want to believe it's not that bad. We cannot understand feelings of loneliness and hopelessness so strong that they overpower every thought and every minute of your day, for years at a time. With the inability to comprehend her suffering, and the doubts that fed our hope, it was impossible to see how sweeping the effects were for everyone, not just herself.

Growing up in my sister's shadow, it literally shaped my attitudes. I saw what not to do, how explosive reactions and constant dramatics were punished with negative consequences. Over the years, during my home life, I turned inward and focused on not reacting at all (a very hard thing to suppress for an extrovert like me). I felt dimmed in the family setting because of the amount of energy it took to be around my sister and her disorder. It is a rude awakening for me to realize how easy it has become to be a rock and I am currently working through these issues.

I cannot rationalize the reasons for my sister's angst, or what went through her head on the evening of the 8th. Ultimately, it does not matter - there is no "why". Calculated moves were not in her vocabulary and there is no equation for her suffering. That is the problem with bipolar disorder. Each iteration seems to be unique and every solution (if there is one) is just as hard to find. It is ironic that many of the tools needed to search for cures are the very traits bipolar people lack: acceptance, motivation, patience, commitment, faith, and self-esteem. For this reason, it is crucial that the individual's support system (family, lovers, friends) educate themselves on the symptoms of the disorder. Disillusionment is the enemy that we continuously fought as their mind convinces them that truth is a grim reality. I can only hope that other's struggles can be more successful than Ginny's.