A Wholely Religious Experience

I decided to go to church with my roommate and her mom this morning. They described the Unity Church as very universal, and not focused on any particular doctrine. It sounded right up my liberal alley. Since we both had errands to do afterwards, we decided to drive separately, but stopped at Starbucks on the way. The line was horrendous, which made us a little late, but she reassured me that they never start on time. My drink was ready first, so I told her that I would see her at the Chruch! Then, I popped the address into my GPS and it calculated my route - just as she had described it, take the 405 and get off on Crenshaw! I turned on the street, full of industrial warehouses, and the GPS announced that I had arrived at my destination. I looked around, but did NOT see a church. I drove 50 more feet, and then saw it: A BIG sign that said Integrity Christian Center. This must be it, I thought. So, I turned into the parking lot and followed signs to the entrance. I was late, and they were already singing, so I waited with the group outside. The woman looked at me, looked at my coffee, looked at me. I smiled. She looked at me, looked at my coffee, and looked at me again! Then she told me that I could go in and didn't have to wait (only the children had to wait).

So, I walked in and the ushers guided me to a seat to the side of the altar. They were singing, and then the pastor called people up to the altar who needed to be healed. I immediately knew this place was NOT where I was supposed to be. With Holy Water, he touched their heads and they were healed with the spirit of God. Oh no, I thought, this is like my grandparent's church. This can't be right! But I decided to wait 5-10 more minutes just in case my roommate did show up. The pastor talked about je-SUSSS and the Holy Ghost. I had to greet people around me with "I'm soo glad that Jesus is here." Everyone was seated, taking notes on his sermon, so I couldn't leave. Another 10 minutes went by and no roommate. The pastor announced that the children were going to sing some Christmas songs, and in they marched, straight to my section and shuffled to sit in the two rows before me. All eyes (and video cameras!) were on ME! I couldn't leave now. But as the second set of kids walked in and up to the stage, I took the opportunity, grabbed my coffee, and left before they started speaking in tongues.

Once outside, I looked for the address - 2535. I got into the car and read the directions - 2425. Oh geez! I drove down the street further (2 blocks PAST where my GPS had told me) and it was then that I saw the small sign that just said: Unity. This was it. But now, I was 30 minutes late, I couldn't bear to walk in late to yet another church where people were judging my caffeine intake. I went home, feeling embarrassed and tortured.