Birthday Blues

I've never felt more pressure to stay alive. My mom tells me rightly, "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you right now." What is usually automatic for survival has become a conscious effort: be careful, drive slower, hug/kiss goodbye, and other such duties to continue to live a full life. I feel the weights of balancing work and a social life, while trying to stay in touch with myself, family, etc. And at the same time, all I want to do is stop, hibernate from the onward progression.

I turned 25 this past weekend. Most people seem to have a mental block against my actual birth date. Usually, friends can't seem to remember if it's the 27th or 28th, both wrong! I guess the day doesn't matter so much anymore. It is no longer devoted to you. People rush to bombard you with a quick birthday greeting, then return to their concerns. When thanksgiving is in the same week, my birthday gets lost in the long weekend. My coworkers didn't even sign a card for me. It wasn't any different than the day before. I've felt 25 for the past several months, so it feels a little anticlimactic. I guess that's just part of being an adult, getting used to disappointment and expectations that don't sync with reality. This definitely isn't where I thought I'd be at 25... But no one anticipates grief.